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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sean McKeown's LiveJournal:

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    Friday, December 13th, 2013
    12:46 am
    Achievement Unlocked
    So, today I finished [Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit], which now weighs 128,000 words and 210 pages. It's rough in places and I'm just going to go back to the start of the book and begin again (with the editing process, instead of the writing)... but as of today I have officially Finished A Book I Started Writing.

    It wasn't the novel I started four years ago, so it's weird that I finished my second book first and will be going back to my first book after this editing process is done... but I have a thing that is decidedly book-shaped with my name on it.
    Thursday, November 14th, 2013
    3:01 am
    Sometimes crazy works.
    So it is November yet again - Livejournal is a place I write in only intermittently, because compared to my prior usage, it's a dead social network - and that means looking in the mirror and staring down National Novel Writing Month. I've done it twice now for [Black Science] and come up with the lion's share of the text I have to date - 100,000 words written in two separate NaNo-sprees, only 80,000 words written over the other four years spent writing the book that were not in very specific Novembers. My usage of [Black Science] again the second time was "cheating," but I am "okay with that," especially since it is not like there are rewards or anything - it's entirely a self-motivation / self-improvement experience, so I'd rather take steps towards finishing a first novel than start writing a second one.

    But apparently breaking the rules further and going with *non*-fiction might work too. My last update six months ago was from my weird personal decision to set aside [Black Science] for now and pick up a nonfiction piece on economics and systemic failures that applies everything I have researched and learned from Occupy Wall Street (... and before; I've been interested in learning more about the breakdown that caused the 2008 collapse since before the 2008 collapse!) into a coherent narrative of what is broken where and why we need to change it. I got 25,000 words deep instead of 50, but that is not bad at all for any given month and I stuck with it steadily after that, to the point where I was at 60,000 words and nearing page 100 at the end of last month. And unlike [Black Science], [Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit] is not going to be an absurd number of pages, I am shooting for under 200 - one good NaNo of 50,000 words might just finish it.

    And finish it I ought, as we are nearing the pricking point for the 2014 stock market collapse - my research into economics and analytical techniques taught me about a log-periodic technique for analyzing the stock market to identify bubble behavior and determine likely windows for bubbles to prick, and the present analysis using Didier Sornette's technique is presently returning the characteristic parameters for an economic crisis point and high crash hazard rate smack dab in the middle of winter 2014... late January to early February, which shares an overlap with the resurgence of all that budgetary bullshit Congress keeps not getting sorted with the debt ceiling and so-called "grand bargain" to pass an actual new budget instead of just a continuing resolution. And last time we were here the Insanity Caucus of would-be debt defaulters said "hold on tight!" instead of not crashing the economy, without the hyper-sensitivity to potential crashes revealed by this technique's fractal pattern analysis using social network theory on information transferring between economic actors. We'll be at a sensitivity level where basically anything might initiate a crash, we'll be looking for the "explanation" afterwards... and adding a time window when the government might just implode on top.

    So I feel a little rushed to finish the book, as it is the Grand Economic Theorem of Occupy Wall Street, or at least the economic critique of our present system of (crony) capitalism by an actual-capitalist from the reformist wing of Occupy Wall Street.

    Writing it is weird. I've already done all the reading and research - the book literally forced its potential existence into my consciousness when things clicking together asked me if I would be interested in lining them up as a book, so writing a section at a time going from argument set-piece to argument set-piece is kind of like remembering what Web page I left the next part of my brain on, consulting the notes and clicking around till I find it and rock on with the word count. As of 11/13 I have 18,000 words, which is some 5k behind but I always fall behind early - I don't write on weekends, so that first weekend hits me into a slump, and I have successfully fought that initial gap and played catch-up to win twice already so I am not feeling stressed. I'm just cruising the word-count and occasionally have a three- to four-thousand-word day to make up for the ones I'm spending away from the computer with The Girl instead.

    And the biggest concern might be that there is not 50,000 words left in the book - it might be finished at the 40k mark, and then shit... I'll have finished my first book. Well, technically my second one, I haven't finished the first one yet - it's complicated.

    But I can feel myself growing as a writer and recognizing how I've grown; finishing this will be the huge confidence booster that would let me dive headfirst back into [Black Science] after neglecting it for a year, and if I am in fact able to turn this around and seek publication for it that would be amazing. So far I haven't looked between finishing it and copy-editing it into a serviceable final first draft and hoping to send copies for critique, commentary, analysis and further information requests from a disparate group of people inside and outside of Occupy Wall Street who might be interested in reading it and useful to its developmental growth. But it would be absolutely awesome to finish and then publish a book, even if it wasn't the one I started on initially.

    And boy are my political viewpoints as a game-theoric, rational analyzer of facts weird. I just wrote 2,000 words today about Rock-Paper-Scissors and the dynamic metagame of chance and happenstance... as part of my chapter about commodity futures exchanges, and it *worked*. And sets me up for tomorrow's work, after digging up and re-reading the relevant portions of the Internet I left that part of my brain on and consulting my notes. It is so weird to not even be nervous because I can do this, when I am NaNo'ing something that is at least twice as hard as writing fiction - you can't just follow the NaNo Coach's advice and write in a ninja attack if you're stuck and need to make some wordcount somewhere, in fact I can't make up anything at all - it's NONFICTION. This is considerably harder than my prior two times doing NaNo... but writing is like weightlifting in that the more of it you do, the more of it you can attempt, and I'm just cruising along writing a book, not like this is hard.
    Thursday, May 2nd, 2013
    1:19 am
    Writing Update
    So, I have been working for years now, slowly but surely, on a piece I've been calling "[Black Science]" (with the brackets meaning "this name currently fits here, who knows what it's actually called"). I have moved on it at best in fits and starts, with the last real progress being a second go around National Novel Writing Month this past November where I got another 50,000 words (some four and a half chapters) further into the work. I now have sixteen chapters written and some 150k words, in what looks to be about a third of the work anticipated in a rather long story.

    I wanted to take December off, spend January editing a chapter a week, then get back to it on a chapter-every-two-weeks basis come February. I ended up taking December and January off, fitfully starting the editing in February, and as of the last day of April having two chapters left of editing before I'm comfortable... and a strong need to re-read the piece over in its entirety before I move forward, as I need a deep refresher of what's already there as I plot my way to the midpoint of the novel and make sure all the elements are there and progress as I more-or-less intended.

    My intention is to edit one chapter every two weeks this month, re-read everything as well with the pen very firmly down and no further modification able to be made (I can always make edit notes, as I have a file I keep for things I want to eventually change at some later juncture), and work on the plotting details this month then start Chapter Seventeen in June with the same shape to the schedule, two chapters a month. But it's made somewhat more complex by the fact that after skipping April's spontaneous and unexpected "Camp NaNoWriMo", a mid-"year" option to have a second NaNo experience and thus get more work done, I am thinking I want to spend May as my own personal non-fiction writing month, as I have been thinking and analyzing and otherwise puttering around with economics... and want to put electronic pen to digital paper about the deep, root causes of the 2008 economic downturn - the nitty-gritty, game-theory reasons our current mode of financial interaction yields the results it does, and the moral philosophy of capitalism being lost in the mix as the system gets more complex.

    To say I am neither a writer nor an economist by education or by trade is entirely valid. I certainly wasn't a liberal arts major, though I *did* want to sleep with my liberal arts teacher in freshman year at NYU (don't worry, I was a stupid virgin who'd never been kissed, there was no danger of accidental success, just schoolboy fantasy over an attractive, intellectual woman). And my interest in economics began not in college but here on Livejournal when bonerici threw the first flag on the play I'd ever seen on the (then-still-forthcoming) financial crisis, discussing NINJA loans and market fundamentals gone awry and the erosion of rational interaction in the face of an economic bubble. But I have spent years now looking into becoming proficient in economics, and was "the really fucking strange fit at Occupy Wall Street," being the hyper-pro-capitalist Randian Objectivist guy-with-protest-sign (my first said "No torches, no pitchforks, going up against bloodsuckers this is actually fairly civil!") in what is generally regarded as a firmly anti-capitalist protest movement.

    What I am, however, is a weird mix of scientist, rational thinker, moral philosopher, and game theorist. And enough of a writer to do something with that if I want to, making me uniquely qualified among the people at Occupy to put together a theoretical work criticizing our economic system for the moral failings designed into the system and advocating for change, both legislative and cultural. It doesn't hurt that I am also enough of a wonk to be able to do so with carefully-chosen graphs, and enough of a scientist to want to convert the pseudo-science of economics to a science with actual roots... by uniting the microeconomic world to the macroeconomic world by means of game theory and ethical analysis.

    Today is Day One of Personal Nonfiction Writing Month, but PeNoWriMo just kind of sounds dirty thanks to it having "peen" in it. The working title is [Shit Is Fucked Up And Bullshit], an Occupy-perspective analysis of market economics, following the thesis that complexity of mathematical tools divorces financial actions from their ethical roots, and the further away such esoteric tools get from the base productive capacity at the bottom of the pyramid, the riper they are for exploitation via market inefficiency (or, worse yet, are created exactly for that purpose). That income inequality isn't an accidental outcome, but instead an intentional feature of the system - because the system has been redesigned for that effect when we weren't looking, and we couldn't see the result because we didn't understand the game.

    I may or may not be biting off far, far more than I can chew. But failing its completion is still of utility to me - even if I don't succeed at biting all of the heads off of this hydra, it may still be useful to make the attempt and prepare myself for writing [Black Science] once again. And it's entirely possible I am crazy to think that a chemist with a penchant for moral philosophy and a lot of experience at various games has an unique insight into economics, but to hear the economists tell it... they need someone who's not an economist to come shake things up, and I went to a very hoity-toity economics discussion on Monday between one Nobel prizewinner and a Nobel candidate and was entirely capable of following the conversation and even foretell where it would go. I'm not in my field... but I'm not necessarily out of my depth, and bringing them bits of my fields of interest might be useful to them. The chapter alone in which I intend to analyze economics via thermodynamics should be interesting enough, as is the part where I apply game theory to the stock market ("the only way to win is not to play," because it is a closed system and a zero-sum game where the house always wins, i.e. the financial services sector exists to take a percentage from the players who don't realize they're sitting at a poker table - and if you look around the table and can't see who the mark is, it's you).

    Possibly crazy. WTF, nonfiction? But I'd rather try than not-try, and failure is an acceptable option after the fact but not before. And mayhaps in attempting to elucidate the thoughts I am having in all seriousness, I may be able to reinvigorate the work I want to put in my novel as well, because it is to some degree at least a morality play on exactly these same issues... and I sure as hell need a kick in the pants.

    And not to pursue other ideas for new novels. Because the idea I had for an awesome addition to the "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies" literary school, while fucking awesome, *is not something I really have the wherewithal to write* instead of the thing I am working on.
    Wednesday, January 16th, 2013
    2:50 am
    Thursday, November 1st, 2012
    3:11 am
    How to catch up on things?
    So, where to begin. "Begin at the beginning, continue on until the end, then stop," I was once told about how to write a novel, and while that may be grand fine advice for the person issuing that, it's not exactly what I would term "helpful," to me.

    November is here, and with it comes National Novel Writing Month. That's not the beginning of the story, though that is where the story I am beginning (again) begins; back up, rewind, let's try this again.

    I deleted the Dreamwidth journal, since I saw no proof of life - the reason I was moving away from Livejournal was to seek vibrance in a different forum, to regain whatever semblance of a spark this space once occupied and continue onward. That never appeared, and was just a cross-posting mechanism and a second place on the Internet to have to worry about The Girl's name being spread without her 'by-your-leave-madam,' so clearly it was not helpful and thus got to die. How we communicate, the networks of friends (and let's face it, networks of strangers too - I have never met tamnonlinear but that she posts to LJ is at least half the reason I continue to bother reading mine) and how they propagate, these are interesting thoughts and worthy explorations for understanding how the world actually works, now that I am part of Occupy Wall Street and trying to seek the answer to the $64,000 question of "how do we convince Normal People (TM) to do the difficult thing and get involved?".

    But that's not the beginning either, because frankly this is the beginning of the end for me with Occupy - The Girl is moving back home soon and I shan't have the free time I once had and had dedicated to that cause, and my continued participation would of course be a source of anxiety both personal and professional considering that her prospective employers are likely to be on a list of "groups that Occupy is not terribly thrilled with." But more fittingly, I told myself I would be here through Election Day and trying to usher a transition - to help give birth to a greater level of activism in American life, to meet whichever candidate wins the election next week on Inauguration Day with strong civil engagement and a clarion call for people to take action and get involved instead of sit back and let the professional weasels continue running things into the ground. And no longer than then, because I needed to find an endpoint anyway, and that day will be the day by which I will have either succeeded or failed at trying to hew a new course through the wilds... and being a pathfinder is exhausting.

    When last I wrote, I was discussing the one-year anniversary of Occupy. That went okay - but the part I wanted to make happen, the part where we began a serious discussion about the 2012 election and what to do about it, that didn't happen. I was arrested for the first time on September 15th, and can now discuss it as the matter has been brought finally before a judge for arraignment and the matter has been adjourned in contemplation of dismissal, meaning I am not going to be prosecuted and, most importantly, the word "Guilty" never had to be wrenched from my mouth because those would have been fighting words. I was arrested for 'walking while opinionated,' and my arresting officer's own words as to what the charges would be, when asked, was "the charges will be bullshit," so I was certainly not going to be party to my own miscarriage of justice. (The matter of receiving my due measure of justice will come up in civil litigation, when I bring that officer's words up in court not just as grounds for my own civil suit but as grounds to prove that a companion with whom I was arrested, who was assaulted by a lieutenant of the NYPD for doing nothing more than I was, was assaulted by my arresting officer's superior officer... who, if my arresting officer knew I was being wrongfully arrested, must surely have likewise known he was in the wrong, and thus is not due his normal 'qualified immunity' to protect his personal assets from the civil suit. Because I'm clever like that, and mean when it is the right thing to be.)

    I am trying to teach Occupy to form an extragovernmental oppositional party to resist the Democrats and Republicans in office with, using external pressure outside of the bounds of government to control policy and advance legislation without needing to ourselves capture seats through the electoral process. Unsurprisingly, this is like herding cats through a hurricane, which if early Monday morning is any indication they are VERY GLAD INDEED that I never have to do that, because the cats were terrified of the noise and the wind, and freaked out hours before as they no doubt felt the pressure dropping and knew trouble was a'coming.

    There is not much for me to say, personally, about Hurricane Sandy, even though I live within the technical disaster radius. I live in central Brooklyn and thus flooding was never a risk, and we never lost power, so I've just been caged up inside and kind of bored, frustrated that I cannot work on what I want to be advancing within Occupy because of the disaster getting in the way; my fellow Occupiers have sprung fully forward into disaster-relief work, and I am glad they are doing so, but it means the last things I was trying to do with Occupy before wandering off are very likely to fail, even though they are very important and critical new ways to think and engage with the public, and received a lot of enthusiasm and support... they received enthusiasm and support but took no new workers onto the project when presented thusly, meaning that much as I might want it to work it's not showing signs of life no matter how good the idea.

    I took a walk through lower Manhattan yesterday, to see for myself where things stood after the flood waters receded, and it is eerie the darkness that comes with nightfall there - I stood in the middle of the street on East Broadway just south of Canal, looking up straight through the darkness to the only beacon of illumination to be seen for miles from there, the Chrystler Building lit up as if it were a distant lighthouse directing us to civilization and the coming of the shore. Civilization is something that feels as if, slowly but surely, it is leaving lower Manhattan behind. The first day was the worst - underwater, damage done, exploding power stations, and let's face it - lives lost. The second day was the worst, too, but in that eerie way - and it is just going downhill from there, as there is no power, not really enough food either, and no national guardsmen nor FEMA employees helping to send rations or relief to them there... they just feel forgotten, and it is only getting worse, so tensions are rising and the populace is becoming more grim in these suddenly forlorn regions. Tensions didn't spike in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina for several days, after all - the worst is yet to come, as we inevitably lose the race against civility due to the sheer magnitude of the problems.

    And enormous they are. The disaster relief crews are making it out to the hardest-hit areas, the waterfront spots in Brooklyn like Far Rockaway that is now minus not just boardwalk but also beach, as in there is a part of Far Rockaway that has just been reclaimed by the sea and is never to be seen again. Boats aplenty were forced up on land in Staten Island, and a massive fuel spill into the waterways was reported - 300,000 gallons of diesel fuel, gone and nobody knows where - and as they are cleaning up the worst-hit parts of Staten Island, let's face it, they're starting to find the bodies.

    It is little wonder that Halloween was today and I simply forgot; work did not have power, still, so I am stuck home (not that getting to work would be easy - realistically, I'd just have to walk, and that's well over an hour each way) and going slightly stir-crazy with the internal tensions and unbalanced frustrations I still cannot afford to vent, and must simply bite back on lest I lose any hope of anything in my efforts to make what I want to happen the reality I intended to craft. You do not get to just ignore a hurricane and try to work around the aftermath; you are not special enough that you get to have your way just because you want it, even if you think it's important. Because what is important has been revealed in the wake of the hurricane, and it is not those things I am referring to as my priorities.

    There. That's the beginning. Now to continue on from there...

    November is National Novel Writing Month, and I am taking this month as my hoped-for re-balancing of my efforts away from Occupy Wall Street and my involvement in that movement, since while it is going interesting places it is not going where I want to go, and shows no signs of doing so in the near future even though I have found like-minded people it would be good to work with. It is evident to me that [Black Science] is a very Occupy-type of project, and thus by advancing it further as an active project to work on and complete I might do far more by applying my ingenuity and completing the novel - it was intended, after all, as a moral argument for some things and against others, the same moral arguments that drew me to Occupy Wall Street, so it should be of little surprise that channeling myself back into that work feels like the most productive way to use my time: you can reach many more minds through a written work than through anything I've done in my time so far with Occupy, and changing the culture is the true goal of Occupy Wall Street, not just changing the politics. I can help with that by myself, in a way I cannot by trying to apply protest movement to political sphere of influence, because as the author I get to make all of the plays - give me but a lever and a place to stand, and I can move the world.

    This is not to say that my time with Occupy has been wasted. It hasn't. There are things I have done of great significance, even if they were only to one person, even if that person never knew. I came to Occupy with the intention to counteract a statement made by a friend - that it felt very unsafe for women to be there - and do that I did, applying my firm moral compass where no moral compass seemed to be in place at all and removing those who would do harm to others to the best of my ability. I have arrested a rapist and made sure he was escorted to the police, and surely that affected someone's life in a way that I am glad that they will never have to know. I have done much and more in subtle ways, like feeding information consistently to Keith Olbermann from the week after I joined to the day he was fired from Current TV, because I matriculated a contact and put in the work, not just of writing her an email every day but of learning what Occupy was doing when the information was far from readily available and understanding how Occupy worked, when that seemed to be the least-clear thing in the world to any who wanted to know. I have been an Occupy-whisperer, trying to teach it to listen to itself and do great things, and I have been a source of housing, with a person who would otherwise be left homeless sleeping on my couch for the last six months because she does good things when they need to be done.

    Mostly, I've brought cookies to homeless people that were being brought food but nothing that cheered them, and I tried to be that cheerfulness to keep people moving - as well as a source of information, to keep people involved despite the high barriers to entry with Occupy. And I've learned self-empowerment, because that is the true message of Occupy Wall Street - and it is a lesson I can never forget, because I have learned first-hand what I am capable of if I try, that I possess the strength to advance my own convictions if I might only find the will to. I have taught that lesson, too, or at least tried to impart it - we have so many who have yet to learn it but need to, and winter is coming again with too many homeless activists left on the street because they know of no other way to make progress with the movement, so they are stuck in last year's model that ultimately fell before the brunt of coordinated state repression... left no good way to be a part of what they want to be, and no support structures besides.

    November is National Novel Writing Month, and at the two-hour mark I've already got a thousand words. Where there's a will, there's a way - I "won" in 2010, hitting 50,000 words when I literally did not write for the first six days, because I was lost in the mire of self-doubt. And now, I know that I am powerful if I try to be, so I should simply try to be... instead of be gnawed upon by doubts, I cracked Microsoft Word and applied fingers to keyboard. And so I shall continue to do, easy or hard.

    Current Mood: determined
    Tuesday, September 20th, 2011
    2:28 pm
    Monday, May 3rd, 2010
    11:21 pm
    Fearless: Writerly Inventory
    There are things in my life I am not doing as well at as I would like, and the only rational thing to do is to look at what I am doing (and why I am doing it) so that I may begin correcting for my failings and moving forward instead of staying stuck in whatever ruts or quagmires I have managed to inhabit. I've identified three main categories: myself as a Magic player, myself as a writer, and my life in the broader scope, that could use improvement. I've had an idea in my mind for over a year now to write a science-fiction story, and developed the concept and the world and the characters very thoroughly in my mind, but to this day still not truly begun to write the story.

    This is an inventory of my failings Writing this novel, catalogued so that I can begin to correct for them and thus begin the work.

    1. I have too much pride. I am afraid that I will try, then fail, and in the failing inevitably think less of myself for the failure. This is the difficulty that comes with having pride instead of confidence, though I know intellectually I should have the confidence to stride forward: my fear of failure can paralyze me.

    2. I am lazy. I know what it takes to succeed: work, work, work, editing and work. But without the good habit of beginning the work, so that I can see it is a tolerable amount of work and that it brings its own enjoyments as I do it, it seems too big of a mountain to climb, an accomplishment that cannot be reached because there are too many steps to take along the way, and I never take even the first step.

    3. I have not yet truly learned how to do what I seek to do. I have read half a dozen intimate memoirs and self-explorations from writers I admire and would seek to emulate, and each has their own way of doing it. It seems that everyone has their own process, and I am still figuring out what mine is. There's a lot of internal analysis, planning and massaging details, and I thought this meant I needed to put together a full outline before I could begin; my outline now is a road-map of the beginning of the story through to the first major point of revelation as to the true nature of the conflict that the story is about, then the turning-point in the middle of the story, and finally the end of the story as that conflict is resolved... but blank between those three points. Over-analysis before I begun was what I thought I needed; now I feel like I just need to begin and let the story tell itself, because I've put too much rigor into it and not enough work, and there is yet an exploration I need to embark upon through the telling of the story itself before I know what parts of the story are the story, and what parts are merely aspects the story could be but are not.

    4. I lack discipline. I know I need to alter my day-to-day life to structure time in which I work on this story on a daily basis, and also time either before or after writing in which I think about the story and my work upon it as I walk or exercise for an hour or two, but since this process is not something I presently have in my life, it is difficult to change my life to include it.

    5. I am afraid. Because I am embarking upon an entirely different style of writing than that which I have used over the past decade, I have convinced myself that I am perhaps not a writer after all... while still putting this story and the writing of it as part of my self-identity, because I value it and wish to accomplish it. I am afraid that accomplishing this is beyond my abilities, and that I am not as capable and talented as I want to believe I am, and that beginning down this road will prove that I can't do it, instead of that I can.

    There are plenty of positive notes, things that I do well and which my efforts over the past year have developed within me. I can now see story structure and plot arcs very well, and can diagnose a problem within a story: lack of tension, irrational decisions made within the plot arc that cause an unnatural or over-scripted feel, poor choices of perspective and character. I find I think in new ways automatically, and by using such a skill for critique have looked with fresh eyes at the world, for I have grown as a writer in the past year even despite the fact that I have been researching rather than writing. I have put together a lot of disparate things into the conception of this world I am crafting, from all sorts of different corners of study and research, and yet they seem to blend organically as I have built this world upon them. I've learned about structure, symmetry, and pacing, all of which have lent themselves to helping me to understand how to write this story as I build it up from nothingness, making it stronger for the learning. I have not yet begun to write - but I have begun to work, even though I tell myself I haven't, just because I haven't started to *write*. I have been thinking about this for over a year, and there is some amount of self-assembly that has come along with that, because that is how I work. But I haven't completely figured out how I work, I'm just following clues to that end, and so I haven't been able to make myself begin. Something is holding me back... and I need to cut that something off, because it is counter-productive, and let myself grow in the effort. Ironically, the story is about the process one follows to learn to behave rationally and make rational ethical decisions, a growth out past the "moral of the story" for Atlas Shrugged from "what is the end result?" to "how do you get there from here?"... looking at rational thought as a process to be followed rather than a result to be obtained... and I have been tripped up by looking at the end result of writing the story instead of following the process of beginning to write the story. I guess you could say I expect to learn the moral of my story by getting there through writing it; I know it intellectually, but do not feel it set within myself because I lack some of the confidence to begin. But there's just one way to do it: begin at the beginning, continue on until the end, and then stop.

    A lot of this, now that I have realized it, admitted it intellectually, and put it on the chopping block for potential advancement, will begin to correct for itself. You can't be proud over an empty shell of insecurities when you've bashed the pride and admitted the insecurities, and the expectation is that now that I have acknowledged and admitted the ways in which I am not behaving rationally that I will begin to work towards good habits and behave rationally, and success will begin to accrue as I begin to write and to put into place the daily structure that I crave in my life but have not yet begun.

    It's amazing what can happen when you stop settling for being afraid.

    Tomorrow morning I am going to wake up early, think about how to complete the outline of the first eight chapters to fill in some of that blank space on the road-map of my story's beginning over a nice long walk, and then complete the outline through to Chapter Eight and read it over to myself. And then the next day, I'm going to think about how to write that beginning over a nice long walk... and then I'm going to get started. I've tried once, realized I was not ready, and then crawled to a stop; now I know I am ready, so I shall begin again, and if I crawl to a stop I'll just have to pick myself up and push on again.
    Saturday, October 31st, 2009
    12:03 pm
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    And so the day arrived, cloudy, and with a small wind out of the north. (October 31st)
    Friday, October 30th, 2009
    1:38 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    There was not a great deal to do today. (October 30th)
    Thursday, October 29th, 2009
    1:17 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    Following lunch at Jill’s place – to which Bubo was also invited, having finally acknowledged Graymalk to be a cat of a different category – I took a walk back to the ruin of the Good Doctor’s place. (October 29th)
    Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
    10:50 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    I knew, but of course I had to check it out by laying it on the terrain. (October 28th)
    Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
    12:20 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    I was awakened by a scratching on the back door. (October 27th)
    Monday, October 26th, 2009
    12:58 am
    Sunday, October 25th, 2009
    10:59 pm
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    Jill came back to our place afterwards, last night, and helped to straighten things. (October 25th)
    Saturday, October 24th, 2009
    1:21 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    When the wards were removed yesterday evening they showed that Nightwind had been by at dusk, trying to peer in. (October 24th)
    Friday, October 23rd, 2009
    1:02 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    Up in the morning, out on the job. (October 23rd)
    Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
    12:16 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    "A chihuahua?" the Thing in the Circle suggested. "Just for laughs?" (October 22nd)
    Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
    1:13 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    The Things are getting restless, but their restraints still serve. (October 21st)
    Tuesday, October 20th, 2009
    5:30 pm
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    I stopped by Graymalk's place last night, per her invitation, and the mistress actually set down a plate of victuals for me on the back step. (October 20th)
    Monday, October 19th, 2009
    1:22 am
    A Night In The Lonesome October
    I went out last night and sniffed around the ancient manse. (October 19th)
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